Surviving in a Golfer’s World

by

Anne Michael

Seasoned Lightly is on hiatus until after the first of the year when Anne Michael, who is taking a break, will return to BiblioBuffet. In the meantime, we invite you to revisit some of her early pieces.

For all the years I’ve known my husband, he has always spoken lovingly and longingly about the game of golf. He spent many a workday dreaming of golf, and not enough (in his opinion) weekends playing golf. Then eighteen months ago he semi-retired, and immediately picked up the game again with an enthusiasm that is exhausting to watch.

Having a root canal is easier than getting Steve out of bed in the morning when he was working. It is truly amazing that for a man who does not believe there are such things as electricity or running water before 8:00 a.m., he is now up well before dawn, whistling and happy, showered, clean-shaven. Instead of guzzling a half gallon of coffee in a semi-dark room with half-closed eyes, he gulps down only a half-cup before running out the door by 6:15. Who is this man? I don’t know, but I think I like this new and improved version.

On those happy days, my otherwise mild-mannered “ordinary man” is transformed into “Golfzilla.” He has become one of those people to whom any new clothing item, shoes, balls or whatnot related to the game may be sold, not the least of which are books and magazines.

Do you have any idea how many books there are on golf? Shelves of them or online: 7,126! Books on the history of golf, books on famous golfers, books of golf statistics and books on the best places to play golf. There are books of cartoons about golfers, inspirational stories about golfers and the lessons that golf teaches. (Interestingly, the lessons I’ve noticed most golfers absorb are those where cursing is mandatory.) Still, there are some oddly intriguing titles out there.

1,001 Reasons to Love Golf. Is there really a need for a book like this when every golfer I’ve ever known needs no reason to spend hours on a cart following a small white ball around?

Age is Not a Handicap. In Florida, I believe age is a prerequisite for playing the game because no matter how old you are you can still play with wood.

Al Capone was a Golfer: Um, I’ll bet this book features tips on how to kill the competition.

501 Excuses to Play Golf: Is breathing the first excuse?

1001 Golf Holes You Must Play Before You Die. I would take my time, wouldn’t you? No wonder golf is a slow game.

But the reading material most dangerous to the pocketbook and the psyche appears to be golfing magazines. Avid golfers looking to improve their games are literally assaulted by information and diagrams—and that from just the advertisements. The February 2006 issue of Golf Digest, for instance, features a photo of Tiger Woods with headlines screaming “Revealed! The New X-Factor” as well as “Steal the secret move tour pros use and add 25 yards” and “Hybrid Mania! The five clubs that everyone’s talking about!”

Unfortunately for Steve, anything that requires the use of geometry gives me a headache so I don’t think I’ll be joining him on the golf course. Wait! Yes, I will. But not with a club. I’ll be the relaxed one sitting in the golf cart reading a good novel as Steve stomps around, cursing, trying to make all the things he learned in Golf Digest work for him.

Hey, maybe I should remind him of how many more holes he has to play before he dies. After all, I have a lot of books waiting to be read.


At age 10, Anne realized she was never going to get to be Miss America since reading a book was not an acceptable talent. So she went on to get a job and raise a family. Along the way, she fixed meals, picked up toys, helped with homework, and collected a drawer full of rejection slips for her “great American novel.” It was not all bad, however, since she ended up wallpapering a closet with them. She currently designs and creates greeting cards for her tiny company, The Frog Prints, LLC, and also works full-time as a Training Specialist. Anne is currently tethered to reality by a loving spouse, two dogs, one cat and the occasional hurricane that blows through Florida, although falling headlong and happily into a book is still her favorite “talent.” Contact Anne.